First, to the programmers out there... This piece isn't perfect, but you could certainly mix it into an experimental, free-form night-time show. You still have those, don't you? You're not just running the BBC all night, are you? (I don't think, though, that this little essay would work as a "drop-in" to the usual NPR-style cookie-cutter public affairs program.)
Now, to the young person who produced this story...
I really like what you tried to do with this, but here are some unsolicited tips...
You need to work on how you record and then use the sound -- if you are going to be doing a story like this, which is about the sounds you notice (and seek out) as you walk your walk. The sounds you gathered aren't integrated completely into your narration; they kind of drop in and out like they came from a sound-effects collection. And the motorcycles -- they should have really roared by your microphone, just like they do for real when you watch them. Get closer in there, somehow!
Your writing is great. At times, it has the rhythm and raw feel of the Beats. (That's a big compliment.) But you do sound, often, like you're reading, instead of talking. And then, when you are talking, you are half-swallowing your words and almost mumbling.
So, when you're doing your thing with the microphone, don't talk just to yourself. If you're using headphones when recording your voice, turn the volume on them down a lot. That will help you speak up. And speak up! You have something to say, after all! Maybe pretend that you're telling it to a big crowd that's in front of you. Or look into the sky and let the clouds and the spirits hear you. I repeat -- you are someone with things to say -- so let the whole world really hear your words! Don't be shy about it. Your writing has a musical cadence. So, perform like a musician!
I hope you continue to do radio essays like this. I'll look forward to hearing more of them...
Your voice is truly amazing it immediately grabbed my attention!!! Your descriptions are fantastic, I closed my eyes and felt with all five sense?s your setting. I felt as if I was going to a secret world, and it was cool!. That way you formatted your piece was creative, you started in a common setting then pulled us through to a secret and unfamiliar place (?some sounds of life?) then brought us back just when we felt lost. Your piece is nice but you have to be careful to not lose your audience in all your descriptions, try to get the main ideals of the setting then quickly and creatively describe, you don?t have to mention everything! Also don?t forget to keep it real, in some parts of your story you used pauses to draw dramatic meaning when it really wasn?t needed. And your voice, you can tell when your being real and when your reading narration! You have to find a way to read you narration as if you were having a conversation with a friend, or someone your open with. Besides that your piece was great, again your voice catches so much attention, use it well!!!
Comments for Southwest Side Stories: The Jumps
Produced by Carly Zwiazek for Curie Youth Radio
Other pieces by carly zwiazek
Rating Summary
2 comments
Gary Covino
Posted on February 25, 2006 at 04:34 PM | Permalink
Review of Southwest Side Stories: The Jumps
First, to the programmers out there... This piece isn't perfect, but you could certainly mix it into an experimental, free-form night-time show. You still have those, don't you? You're not just running the BBC all night, are you? (I don't think, though, that this little essay would work as a "drop-in" to the usual NPR-style cookie-cutter public affairs program.)
Now, to the young person who produced this story...
I really like what you tried to do with this, but here are some unsolicited tips...
You need to work on how you record and then use the sound -- if you are going to be doing a story like this, which is about the sounds you notice (and seek out) as you walk your walk. The sounds you gathered aren't integrated completely into your narration; they kind of drop in and out like they came from a sound-effects collection. And the motorcycles -- they should have really roared by your microphone, just like they do for real when you watch them. Get closer in there, somehow!
Your writing is great. At times, it has the rhythm and raw feel of the Beats. (That's a big compliment.) But you do sound, often, like you're reading, instead of talking. And then, when you are talking, you are half-swallowing your words and almost mumbling.
So, when you're doing your thing with the microphone, don't talk just to yourself. If you're using headphones when recording your voice, turn the volume on them down a lot. That will help you speak up. And speak up! You have something to say, after all! Maybe pretend that you're telling it to a big crowd that's in front of you. Or look into the sky and let the clouds and the spirits hear you. I repeat -- you are someone with things to say -- so let the whole world really hear your words! Don't be shy about it. Your writing has a musical cadence. So, perform like a musician!
I hope you continue to do radio essays like this. I'll look forward to hearing more of them...
Rocky Tayeh
Posted on February 06, 2006 at 03:42 PM | Permalink
Review of Southwest Side Stories: The Jumps
Your voice is truly amazing it immediately grabbed my attention!!! Your descriptions are fantastic, I closed my eyes and felt with all five sense?s your setting. I felt as if I was going to a secret world, and it was cool!. That way you formatted your piece was creative, you started in a common setting then pulled us through to a secret and unfamiliar place (?some sounds of life?) then brought us back just when we felt lost. Your piece is nice but you have to be careful to not lose your audience in all your descriptions, try to get the main ideals of the setting then quickly and creatively describe, you don?t have to mention everything! Also don?t forget to keep it real, in some parts of your story you used pauses to draw dramatic meaning when it really wasn?t needed. And your voice, you can tell when your being real and when your reading narration! You have to find a way to read you narration as if you were having a conversation with a friend, or someone your open with. Besides that your piece was great, again your voice catches so much attention, use it well!!!